Have you ever had moments in your relationship where you really wanted to say no but didn’t know how to say no with reassurances that the other person knew you still loved them?
Have you ever wished that it were easier to speak honestly and that it didn’t feel like ‘work’ to interact in a relationship?
If our honest desire is to nurture a relationship with people we care about in a way that conveys real healthy love, and we want to feel all good feelings when we interact with them, we have to do the work. Relationships are a lot like building a garden that we want to bear healthy fruit. If we avoid pulling the weeds because we don’t want to get dirty, the plants that we love will suffer from our reluctance to dig in and pull out those annoying weeds we wish wouldn’t grow! It never works to blame the weeds for a plant that is suffering when it’s our choice to not remove what is causing the problem.
Boundaries are meant to keep the people we love in our lives, not to avoid them or kick them out, or change them. They are meant to evaluate and measure how can we keep this person in our life in a way that helps us feel safe, in a way that helps us feel good about ourselves, and in a way that we can love them and feel loving towards them.
So how do we make this task of setting boundaries easier and less intimidating? I’d like to share 3 ways I have found to make boundaries feel easier, and practicing these efforts has proven fruitful in my life.
#1 – Identify & Set Red Flags…
#2 – Experiment…
#3 – Be Aware of Your Inner Childs Needs…
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PodCast Transcript
Hello and welcome to Be Kind Minds podcast. Be Kind Minds, for those who are new to the Kindness Tribe, our tribe is all about seeking helpful ways to heal our minds and manage the big emotions. We're a safe place for those who experience the big emotions to come together and be ourselves and take life one step at a time.
Today we're going to talk about boundaries. Boundaries is a word that has become popular in these past few years as we're navigating a very different world for all of us. We're finding ourselves wanting to say "No"... but not knowing how to say "No" to people we care about. We might think to ourselves in those moments, "I know I should say how I really feel, but I don't know how...".
I avoided setting boundaries for many years, because I had a belief that thinking of my own needs was selfish, and that it's better to give than to think of myself - therefore I should always say "yes". I believed that if I'm feeling badly about things, the situation, or how I was feeling, it was my fault for not doing enough, or thinking too much about how I was feeling and not enough about others. I avoided being in my own head as much as possible - but that came at a cost of my mental health. My mind, my body was trying to alert me to trouble, and I was interpreting that mental pain as "not doing enough".
Our internal belief is that if I say that word, if I say "no", than they might think I don't care, or I don't love them. What if the request from them is to spend time in person, but I am emotionally spent and I feel that what I can give out right now is limited... how do I express that without them getting the wrong message? What if their love language is physical presence, but my limit is words of affirmation, 'I can chat, but I'm not feeling the energy to meet up in person'.
So, sometimes the easier thing to do is just say "Yes" and do it anyways. Or make up a story that isn't true in an effort to avoid telling the truth (because the truth might hurt their feelings)... We do that all the time when we know by now it's not really serving anyone to lie. It's not serving our emotional, and physical health when we overextend ourselves. And it doesn't serve them, when what we're offering is a reluctant yes from an "empty cup" or a lie in an effort to avoid the discomfort of saying "No" (which still provokes discomfort - but a more tolerable discomfort in the moment).
When our energy, our body language does over 60% of the communication to others, not our words; when we say "Yes", but we really wanted to say "No", or we continue to make up stories to avoid saying "No"... the message we think we're hiding is still getting sent.
If we continue to deny our real feelings, feelings that sound like "I really don't have the energy to do that today" or "I don't like it when we talk about that subject"... when we instead 'go along with it anyways', to keep what we think is 'peace' (but actually a war is brewing inside our minds)... the poison of resentment starts to settle in and our relationship slowly suffers. This person we care about, and who we want to stay connected to - but don't know how to in a way that feels good, they make us feel uncomfortable. We find ourselves going out of our way to avoid that discomfort, we begin to feel dread when we see them calling us or that they sent us a text... and we feel guilty that we feel this way. Or, sometimes the resentment we feel comes from feeling taken advantage of— our time, our kindness, our willingness to help... we feel 'used & abused' for 'playing nice'. This can cause us to turn inward and beat ourselves up, and we dont' like this version of ourselves when we "serve" others that we feel we can't say 'No' to.
It's important to understand that when we feel moved to serve others (because we have been taught that serving others helps us feel happy and helps them too - which it does... but there's more to that than it sounds...). The intention is to serve out of real love, we need to feel that love. We need to *want to* serve, sincerely. Otherwise what we're giving to them is not actually love if it's given in the spirit of contention, because we're feeling resentment. It's not fair to them, and it's not fair to you when it's not honest.
If our honest desire is to nurture a relationship with people we care about in a way that conveys real healthy love, and we want to feel all good feelings when we interact with them, we have to do the work. It's a lot like building a garden that we want to bear healthy fruit. If we avoid pulling the weeds because we don't want to get dirty, the plants that we love will suffer from our reluctance to dig in and pull out those annoying weeds we wish wouldn't grow! It never works to blame the weeds for a plant that is suffering when it's our choice to not remove what is causing the problem.
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So how do we make this task of setting boundaries easier and less intimidating? I'd like to share 3 ways I have found to make boundaries feel easier, and practicing these efforts have proven fruitful in my life.
1st, we need to identify red flags...
-- When thinking about setting boundaries, you want to begin with identifying the red flags in your current relationships. Is there anyone in your life that you want to keep connected to, but there are interactions you have with them that feel uncomfortable. Start taking down notes of what those interactions are.
-- Is there anyone in your life that you persistently feel uncomfortable around... begin taking notes about what it is that makes you feel uncomfortable.
-- A question you can ask yourself around people in your life is, "how do I feel about myself around them?" The people you choose to keep in your life should help you feel better about yourself, not worse. Maybe these people need to be removed entirely from your life, or your time with them will just need to be limited.
When establishing boundaries, our goal is to plant a seed that grows a relationship where our responses to them will be built on an unspoken understanding of "I trust you enough to be honest with my real feelings".
Now, this does not mean that you say everything unfiltered. What this means is that you can be honest with them on the 'need to know' important matters of emotional health. This may sound like, "I feel uncomfortable when___" or "I am not feeling myself today, I need to cancel our plans." or "I honestly don't feel up to it."
This relationship based on this unspoken understanding of trust produces fruit that you can say "I don't want to" and you trust that they will respect how you are feeling, and they can trust that you will always be honest with them without conflict. That is healthy love.
The magic that happens when we can build these relationships, is that when you feel you have a safe choice, and your subconcious begins to register that, you will come to want to give more to those who will give you freedom. You will want to give more to those you can really trust and feel safe with.
Our pulling back and withdrawing in relationships comes from a feeling of enslavement, of not being free to be our authentic honest self, and loved as we are, and however we show up. When we feel free, we want to do more. Boundaries can sound like rules and confinement, but they're actually intended to help guide us to safe connections that open up the relationship to thrive.
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#2 - Experiment with setting boundaries. This is like putting your toe in the water. We're going to take baby steps in getting uncomfortable. We're going to pull one weed out of the garden instead of feeling like we have to pull them all at once.
This will look like answering a phone call from someone who often says things can be offensive or hurtful, or maybe someone who easily gets mad about subjects you don't want to talk about or listen to... experiment by setting a time frame. You can say, "oh, hey! I am so happy you called, but I just have about 5 minutes to chat and then I have to get off the phone. What's up?"
This way you are still connecting with them, but you're also setting an expectation that you will end the call after 5 (or maybe you'll choose 10) minutes. But this gives you control to set an end point (Which is another way of saying "no", and you are helping them give you a choice).
If you're a Grandma or Grandpa that can sometimes feel taken advantage of with being the go-to babysitter, and you want your children to feel loved, and you like feeling needed, but maybe you have one or more children who you feel go too far in asking too much from you. Try setting a time-limit. Instead of watching the grandkids for a whole week, pull back to 3 days max, or maybe even just one night. This can sound like, "I would love to have time with my grandbabies, thank you so much for asking. What I can do is just 3 days. Would that work for you?"
Experimenting with boundaries is about finding that limit that keeps you in the mindset of "I enjoy this". Where the interactions are more often positive than they are negative. So this will be about testing the limits, maybe you need to trim it back, or you find that you can give a little more and still feel good. We're not asking people to give us a choice, we're helping them strategically give us a choice by our saying "yes" - but with a limit of time.
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#3 - This step is about being aware of your inner child. The inner child is a very real part of us that we often ignore in an effort to "people please". Setting boundaries is also about protecting the child that hasn't been able to have a voice in the world within you, and now we're going to give them a voice.
When we find ourselves connecting with someone we feel insecure with, we're going to practice setting the guidelines for the conversation. This will sound like, "I don't mind talking about this subject, but we need to give each other equal time to talk without interruption. If we start to interrupt each other, than we will need to end the conversation, and maybe we'll revisit another time."
Or it might sound like, "I really don't feel comfortable talking about this topic with you, but I understand it's important to you. I feel that it would be better that you find someone else who feels the same way as you do that you can enjoy having that conversation with them. I would much rather talk to you about other things."
One important key to keep in mind about what we choose to talk about with those we care about and want to feel close to is, "Will talking about this benefit our relationship?" or "How will talking about this benefit our relationship" and you might even ask that question to them before you step in to the topic of conversation.
Every interaction we have with our loved ones, our friends & family, should be with the goal in mind to benefit the relationship. If we have a sense that the converation will provoke contention, we should re-evaluate if the conversation is worth having, or if it would be better to have that conversation with someone else.
Challenging conversations, or having the hard conversations can be worth it if it's meant to be like 'pulling weeds' in a garden. If the end goal will be more room to grow, clearer and more honest conversation, greater trust and a feeling of better understanding one another, that is worth getting uncomfortable. But if it time and time again leads to hard feelings, resentment, and greater contention - where the other person refuses to change, and refuses to listen and respect your needs and honest desires, that is when the really hard decisions need to be made of "can I have this person in my life?"
Boundaries are meant to keep the people we love in our life, not to avoid them or kick them out, or change them. They are meant to evaluate and measure how can I keep this person in my life in a way that helps me feel safe, in a way that helps me feel good about myself, and in a way that I can love them and feel loving towards them. How can I find ways that help me want to be close to them and discover ways that I can help them in their life without feelings of resentment.
So, begin with getting curious. Take notes and set red flags, experiment in discovering what your limits are, and then allow your inner child to have a voice on what they can tolerate in conversations.
Please subscribe & follow weekly thoughts on emotional topics, and I thought since many of us neurodivergent minds struggle with calming our active minds, I'd end each episode with some calming music and positive affirmations to feed our mind some much needed love. If you have any ideas or suggestions for future podcasts, or topics you'd like to hear about, let me know! Please follow & subscribe, if you like what you hear, consider leaving a 5 star review, and if you feel able to support an artist, consider leaving a tip via Venmo. Thank you for your support, and please don't forget, Be Kind to your Mind.
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Affirmations
Today, we're working on feeling brave in getting curious about boundaries, so we can feel safe in our relationships with those we love...
"I am safe..."
"I am loved..."
"I am brave..."
"I will be an advocate for the needs of my inner child."
"I will give a voice to the child within me who wants to feel safe, who wants to feel loved and respected, and who wants to feel safe when expressing love to others."
"I will always be enough for those who need me. Those who do not need my light, I will express only love and support for them seeking answers for their own self discovery."
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